As in every other facet of life, I believe that there is no clear black and white in the field of lying and that there are degrees of lies. Now we men swim through, in our lifetimes, a virtually incessant stream of lies. Starting from the time some weird nurse or doctor or – if you were more fortunate – midwife, picked you up as an infant and actually refrained from telling all around just how abominably ugly the new arrival was, life and the various actors in it keep the momentum going.
Now, without getting into a blow-by-blow account, let me just say that I do believe that most of these lies are – in the eyes of the assorted liars at least – harmless. Like when your parents tell you that you can’t have a video game because they love you so much that they would rather you actually speak to them rather than lose your soul to the Nintendo. Or when they tell you that beating people up is bad and that little boys who fight will go to Hell and will not actually get rewarded with the ice-creams of the victims. Or when they try to tell you that getting into a good Engineering college is the last time you will actually have to work hard and that life will be like sex on toast after that.
Nothing that a man encounters in his constant battle for the truth though, quite matches what he is subjected to by the women that attempt to ensnare him. Women, in my opinion, are not just consummate liars, but are colour-blind too. Not to mention their being the truest and purest sadists ever. How else do you explain anyone making the statement “Pink is the new blue”? How on Earth can pink be blue? Quite aside from the obvious difference between the two, pink is – without wanting to sound homophobic or anything – completely and indubitably gay!
Women these days seem to just yearn to buy their guys some pink shirts and I can’t for the life of me imagine any well-wisher buying the object of those wishes anything pink in colour, particularly if the object in question happens to be male. Can you imagine any woman wanting her man to look like David Furnish (I just googled up his name and will not tell you who he is. Google it yourself!)? The only other category such a person would fall into would be an African-American rapper or a pimp or doped elephant! And then they try telling us that it’s because pink is the new blue! Surely even the most lovelorn idiot should be able to tell that as a blatant and image-threatening lie! Pink is blue? Can you imagine the NYPD traipsing around the city wearing shocking (in more than just colour) pink uniforms? Unedifying thought, eh?
However, I digress. The point I was making, before the aforementioned digression, was about the lying, which was meant to lead up to the point that it finally has led up to which is that women consistently and unfailingly – not to mention unflinchingly – manage to say things that they themselves do not truly believe! As an example, how many women do you see wearing pink shirts to office as compared to blue ones? In my experience, it’s the blue that the women themselves prefer to wear, while guffawing in delight at all the poor unsuspecting victims of their “new blue”.
The worst of this duplicity though is seen when women start describing the kind of qualities that they want in their men. For example, every woman starts off by stressing just how much she hates and detests the possessiveness of her ex-boyfriend and how she just yearns for a man who will let her be her own person. Well, we all know how that turns out, don’t we? The first step is the complaining of the “insensitivity”. It’s what I call the “You don’t care about me” stage. It’s a lose-lose for the guy of course (as is every situation involving both genders simultaneously, unless there’s sex at the end of it all). If you ask whom she is out with, for example, you’re liable to be told, “Aaaah! Jealous are we? I won’t tell you who I’m out with! They’re just friends!” On the other hand, follow your instincts and continue to watch the match and don’t ask and you get the classic, “You don’t care about me at all, do you? You don’t even care who I am going out with!!!”
This stage extends till the woman decides she’s met a guy whose looks+money score is higher than that of her present companion at which point the present companion is either labeled as over-possessive or insensitive, depending on whether or not he asked her where and with whom she was on the various nights she spent scouting the town for the guy with the highest looks+money score who was interested in her. Women, as you can tell unless you’re blind or single, are quite adept at getting the best out of any situation. They even got the Creator into a corner and made him give them exclusive rights over headaches and “that time of the month” to avoid unwanted sex…
Now, a load of women I know, stress that they can’t stand men who are not decisive. They would like, they claim, to have men who make decisions and who do not allow the woman to make all the decisions. Now, this, as any man would willingly aver – apart from the men who are now hopelessly caught in a woman-woven web of duplicity and deception – is the biggest load of bunkum ever spoken since the time that Hitler spoke of his great love for all things Jewish. It all dawned upon me a few days back in the most ironic circumstances:
P: I really liked him and we were really perfect together. Everything was just so perfect, but there was nothing to be done. We just could not have survived together.
Me: Umm…pardon my asking, but does not the word perfect seem to suggest that there was nothing wrong, thereby implying that…
P: Shut up! You idiot, I obviously meant that we were just incompatible!
Me: But you just said you were perfect!
P: No, no! I said everything was perfect and it was (Typically irrational woman-speak, as you can see) except that he used to allow me to make all the decisions!!!
Me: Ah! So that is why you liked him so much, eh? I always wondered how…
P: NOOOOO! You really are stupid, you know? I can’t stand men who allow me to make all the decisions. It shows that they don’t have a mind of their own!!!
Me: What? Are you – the consummate control freak, if there ever was one – telling me that…
P: Shut up, I tell you! I am not a control freak! Anyway, I told him that the only way it would work out was if he was a bit more decisive. And he called it off…
Me: Well, you can’t argue with that being decisive!!!
P: You are so irritating! Now, take me out to lunch.
Now, this, I must admit, was where I decided to be decisive. You know how every one of us has these urges at times to try breaking down a brick wall…
Me: OK. Let’s go to the ‘Devil’s Kitchen’ in Ptolemy’s Gate compound then.
P: No! I don’t like that place.
Me: Hmm…what kind of cuisine do you want then? (She’d got me to start wavering already!)
P: You know how I hate people who can’t decide! You decide!!!
Me: OK. We go to ‘Flyover’ then. That’s pretty close too!
P: No. I just went there last week. Why can’t you decide on something nice like ‘Caravan’???
Me: (completely missing the hint in the last sentence) OK, so how about ‘Carlos’’ then?
P: You’re so useless! Please decide fast now! And some NICE place. And I don’t care which one you decide. Just something nice. So, where are you taking me?
Me: ‘Caravan’?
P: Oh good! I like that place. See? I love guys who can make decisions…
Women, you see are consummate manipulators who believe that the ends more than justify the means. That’s why Elizabeth Bathory was a woman! You wouldn’t ever hear of a man called Elizabeth Bathory after all, though of course, the name has nothing to do with my assertion here. If you look at that conversation above, it should be obvious though what women do really want from their men. They want men who will make the decisions that they want them to make. Unfortunately though, women often underestimate the high IQ levels of us men. Women, you see, would like to kid themselves along with the notion that they allow us to make the decisions that they want and that we know nothing of this devious intent of theirs! I have however, devised a way to countering this, which I shall elaborate at length at some not-so-distant time (I hope). Till then though, I shall leave you with an exchange that both proves what I have said about women trying to manipulate us and also formed the beginning for my counter-attacking strategy…
S: So, can we have that wall painted pink then?
Me: No.
S: But it would look so nice!!! OK, you decide what to paint it then…
Me: Fine. We’ll paint it the same colour as the other walls.
S: No!!! That’s so boring. It has to be a different colour. Now you decide which colour.
Me: Umm…black!
S: No! No, no, no! Anything but black!!!
Me: OK then. Ash grey!
S: You’re making me cry now!!!
Me: Awww… OK then, let’s just do it…umm…cream!
S: What? But that’s the colour of the other walls!!!
Me: Yeah well, maybe we could have it a single mini-shade different then…
Sometime between the time we spoke and the time I found my underwear, she got me to agree to paint it “blue”… I promise you though. The moment I put my finger on just what it was that undid me, I'll have the solution in my hands...
PS: Please do not set the hounds on me for the truly dreadful innuendoes in the last line. I vow to try harder next time.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thursday, June 29, 2006
In Mars We Trust - XI
I have really never understood why women are so obsessed with this whole maturity trip! What makes maturity such a desirable quality? Specially considering that none of them is able to define it!
I personally believe that ‘maturity’ is something invented by women who lack any fun in life to explain just why they are so lifeless and why people who are full of life are to be pitied rather than admired. That’s why a ‘mature’ person won’t go out and party or just decide to do something that he/she feels like regardless of what other ‘mature’ people would think about it!
She: What? You watch WWE??? (The erstwhile WWF for those who’re wondering)
Me: Yeah, so? I think it’s funny!
She: But that’s so immature!!!
Me: Eh? Why?
She: Well…it…it just is!
Immature. Ever counted how many times women use that word? It’s almost like they have some sort of fetish for using that word. Everything a guy does that a woman doesn’t like or approve of, it’s immature! So, drinking beer in a pub with friends while watching a football game is of course the height of immaturity.
Please note though, as a guy, it’s highly recommended that you do not try to debate the relative maturity of sitting all evening watching Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, contemplating falling in love with a plumber or of course, discussing the dimensions of the assets of the sundry partners that one has had. Experience tells me that women tend to segregate the maturity of these activities based on gender…and then of course, they call us the sexists!
Sample this, if you will:
Me: So, what did you do over the weekend?
S: Nothing much. Some friends came over, so we were discussing what X plans to do when she gets married…as in on ‘that night’.
Me: What?
S: Yeah! I mean, she was discussing how they got to Base 2 last time and…
Me: Excuse me! I mean, you discuss explicit details…damn, you probably even discuss dimensions in that case!
S: Yeah! So? Big deal!
Next day:
Me: Yeah, well K was just talking about how his fiancée has pretty weird taste in tops…
S: What??? You discuss your girlfriends with each other???
Me: Err…so? I mean, it’s not like we mention even a tenth of the stuff you people do!
S: No way! That’s so ungentlemanly! It’s so…so…so immature!
Me: So, what is maturity?
S: Well…just acting…I mean, just behaving in a mature manner…you know…well, you know what I mean…it’s just being mature!!!
There you are then. Typical female hypocrisy… This really got me thinking though. Just what is it with women and this whole maturity trip?
You watch WWE? That’s so immature!
You spent the entire evening watching football and drinking beer? That’s so immature!
You like driving fast? That’s so immature!
I can’t watch a Rowan Atkinson film! It’s so immature!
Mithun? Ewwww! How immature!
You like blondes? That’s so immature!
How can you wear T-shirts with slogans? It’s so immature!!
And then, in a moment of pure frustration, the truth struck me, like a teak bulwark would strike a sailor doing an Archimedes impression on the deck on a sinking ship (Tragic analogy perhaps, but at least you get the drift!). It’s the same concept as that old joke:
Q: Why do women close their eyes while kissing?
A: Coz they can’t bear to see a man having a good time!
It’s true. Women, I have grounds to conclude, essentially believe that men have no right to have any fun, lest it is with them around to approve and thereby make the men feel even more slavish than they did before! It’s their complete lust for control in its most blatant and uninhibited form, though some might say that the word blatant is misused here as they do mask it ever so beautifully in the garb of ‘maturity’ and trying to ‘alleviate the poor male soul’, trying to - as Florence Craye and Vanessa Cook so beautifully worded it – ‘nurture the latent potentialities of the sleeping mind’. *Sigh*.
I rather think that this is the very reason that women prefer older men. Let’s face it – with no offence meant to the senior citizens that the mayor of Bangalore would have us believe are out assets – older men don’t really have that many outlets for fun apart from those nubile young women they romp with…and of course, the women enjoy the shopping for those ever-so-mature beauty aids!
Come to think of it, when was the last time a chappie with a girlfriend really had a good time? I can’t think of anyone who can claim to have had one…without his girlfriend being around to approve of course…and of course, apart from those romps in the back rooms which I should not mention (since I am a guy) and which the woman is around to approve of as a mature act anyway…yeah…the same romps that the women dissect when they are indulging in mature verbal intercourse!
I wondered after reaching these illuminating conclusions though, as to what the remedy to this dilemma may be. After all, one does not wish to upset the fairer sex for fear of the fact that we may deprive them of the opportunity to discuss a romp – a romp which, if I be permitted to say it, we men enjoy much more than the women enjoy the discussion (after all touch is more potent – in more ways than one – than words! How much can a Penthouse letters do for one after all?).
The bottomline guys, is that unless you’re really stupid you will fall for that maturity thing. And no, there was no typo in that previous sentence. Remember, at the end of the day, she can’t really police you all the time…and hey, there’s no real match in the real world for a good old-fashioned romp… And to top it all, Ten Sports re-telecasts WWE in the mornings…so you don’t miss the really good and enjoyable part of life either!
I personally believe that ‘maturity’ is something invented by women who lack any fun in life to explain just why they are so lifeless and why people who are full of life are to be pitied rather than admired. That’s why a ‘mature’ person won’t go out and party or just decide to do something that he/she feels like regardless of what other ‘mature’ people would think about it!
She: What? You watch WWE??? (The erstwhile WWF for those who’re wondering)
Me: Yeah, so? I think it’s funny!
She: But that’s so immature!!!
Me: Eh? Why?
She: Well…it…it just is!
Immature. Ever counted how many times women use that word? It’s almost like they have some sort of fetish for using that word. Everything a guy does that a woman doesn’t like or approve of, it’s immature! So, drinking beer in a pub with friends while watching a football game is of course the height of immaturity.
Please note though, as a guy, it’s highly recommended that you do not try to debate the relative maturity of sitting all evening watching Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, contemplating falling in love with a plumber or of course, discussing the dimensions of the assets of the sundry partners that one has had. Experience tells me that women tend to segregate the maturity of these activities based on gender…and then of course, they call us the sexists!
Sample this, if you will:
Me: So, what did you do over the weekend?
S: Nothing much. Some friends came over, so we were discussing what X plans to do when she gets married…as in on ‘that night’.
Me: What?
S: Yeah! I mean, she was discussing how they got to Base 2 last time and…
Me: Excuse me! I mean, you discuss explicit details…damn, you probably even discuss dimensions in that case!
S: Yeah! So? Big deal!
Next day:
Me: Yeah, well K was just talking about how his fiancée has pretty weird taste in tops…
S: What??? You discuss your girlfriends with each other???
Me: Err…so? I mean, it’s not like we mention even a tenth of the stuff you people do!
S: No way! That’s so ungentlemanly! It’s so…so…so immature!
Me: So, what is maturity?
S: Well…just acting…I mean, just behaving in a mature manner…you know…well, you know what I mean…it’s just being mature!!!
There you are then. Typical female hypocrisy… This really got me thinking though. Just what is it with women and this whole maturity trip?
You watch WWE? That’s so immature!
You spent the entire evening watching football and drinking beer? That’s so immature!
You like driving fast? That’s so immature!
I can’t watch a Rowan Atkinson film! It’s so immature!
Mithun? Ewwww! How immature!
You like blondes? That’s so immature!
How can you wear T-shirts with slogans? It’s so immature!!
And then, in a moment of pure frustration, the truth struck me, like a teak bulwark would strike a sailor doing an Archimedes impression on the deck on a sinking ship (Tragic analogy perhaps, but at least you get the drift!). It’s the same concept as that old joke:
Q: Why do women close their eyes while kissing?
A: Coz they can’t bear to see a man having a good time!
It’s true. Women, I have grounds to conclude, essentially believe that men have no right to have any fun, lest it is with them around to approve and thereby make the men feel even more slavish than they did before! It’s their complete lust for control in its most blatant and uninhibited form, though some might say that the word blatant is misused here as they do mask it ever so beautifully in the garb of ‘maturity’ and trying to ‘alleviate the poor male soul’, trying to - as Florence Craye and Vanessa Cook so beautifully worded it – ‘nurture the latent potentialities of the sleeping mind’. *Sigh*.
I rather think that this is the very reason that women prefer older men. Let’s face it – with no offence meant to the senior citizens that the mayor of Bangalore would have us believe are out assets – older men don’t really have that many outlets for fun apart from those nubile young women they romp with…and of course, the women enjoy the shopping for those ever-so-mature beauty aids!
Come to think of it, when was the last time a chappie with a girlfriend really had a good time? I can’t think of anyone who can claim to have had one…without his girlfriend being around to approve of course…and of course, apart from those romps in the back rooms which I should not mention (since I am a guy) and which the woman is around to approve of as a mature act anyway…yeah…the same romps that the women dissect when they are indulging in mature verbal intercourse!
I wondered after reaching these illuminating conclusions though, as to what the remedy to this dilemma may be. After all, one does not wish to upset the fairer sex for fear of the fact that we may deprive them of the opportunity to discuss a romp – a romp which, if I be permitted to say it, we men enjoy much more than the women enjoy the discussion (after all touch is more potent – in more ways than one – than words! How much can a Penthouse letters do for one after all?).
The bottomline guys, is that unless you’re really stupid you will fall for that maturity thing. And no, there was no typo in that previous sentence. Remember, at the end of the day, she can’t really police you all the time…and hey, there’s no real match in the real world for a good old-fashioned romp… And to top it all, Ten Sports re-telecasts WWE in the mornings…so you don’t miss the really good and enjoyable part of life either!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Appendix for In Mars We Trust - X
As promised in the Mars - X, here are the conversations I mentioned as proof. Trust me when I say that each one is a genuine extract from a real conversation. In some, I have actually toned down the idiocy out of deference for the fact that the persons or their friends may read the same and take offence. None is intended of course. These are posted purely for entertainment value and to mock the intelligence or lack thereof of the assorted women that have earned an honourable mention in this post :D.
By the way, as evidenced in the comments to Mars - X, a number of people did not really think those conversations could possibly be real. trust me, they are. I swear...no kidding!!!
X: I’m really depressed *sniff*
Me: But why?
X: Well, I just spoke to my ex and he’s getting married…
Me: OK, but I thought you hate his guts, so why be depressed?
X: Look, we just broke up two years ago and if he’s getting married that means he moved on pretty fast…he’s known this girl now for almost a year and a half!
Me: OK, but then, you’re getting engaged too!
X: Yeah, but well, I was single for so long after we broke up!
Me: Hmm…well, what about those three guys you were seeing in between?
X: They weren’t serious…I mean, they didn’t get anywhere!!!
Me: *Sigh* OK…whatever…
By the way, as evidenced in the comments to Mars - X, a number of people did not really think those conversations could possibly be real. trust me, they are. I swear...no kidding!!!
X: I’m really depressed *sniff*
Me: But why?
X: Well, I just spoke to my ex and he’s getting married…
Me: OK, but I thought you hate his guts, so why be depressed?
X: Look, we just broke up two years ago and if he’s getting married that means he moved on pretty fast…he’s known this girl now for almost a year and a half!
Me: OK, but then, you’re getting engaged too!
X: Yeah, but well, I was single for so long after we broke up!
Me: Hmm…well, what about those three guys you were seeing in between?
X: They weren’t serious…I mean, they didn’t get anywhere!!!
Me: *Sigh* OK…whatever…
Me: You know N, it’s weird but she seems jealous about K seeing other women!
N: Yeah, that’s so natural!
Me: Eh? But she’s got a boyfriend…what’s she got to be jealous of?
N: Look, he liked her and that made her feel good. Now, with us women, even if we don’t like a guy, it makes us feel good to know that he likes us. So, we’re pissed off if he moves on and starts liking another woman!
Me: That’s so damn b*tchy!!!
N: Hey! Mind you language ok? It’s perfectly normal behaviour!
Me: What crap! If I knew a woman I didn’t like, liked me, I’d be praying for her to move on!
N: That’s because men are stupid…
*Sigh*
Me: Hi b*tch!
D: What the f***? Stop calling me that! How dare you!!!
Me: Err…you called me a bas*ard!
D: Yeah! That’s because you’ve not called me for so long!
Me: Err…by that same token, you’ve not called me either! And you’ve not even replied to my messages!
D: Arre, what message and all? You should have called. You’re such a bas*ard!
Me: Umm…do you realize that I am the one that has called even now?
D: So? You’re still a bas*ard and don’t give me logic and all that crap now…
*Ho-hum*
Me: Excuse me? I’m the visitor to
A: No! You’re too far off! Tell you what…come to some place close to my place!
Me: Err…do you realize that it will be tougher for me to travel in an alien city without my own car? How about meeting somewhere in between…like
A: No!
Me: What? You’ve been living here for 6 damn years!
A: So? I still don’t know the way…
Me: OK, so do one thing…see…in Delhi all roads lead to CP, so just keep going on the widest road at every turn and you’ll get there!
A: Nooooo! There are too many roads in
Me: Excuse me? If they all go to CP and you’re going to CP, how in f***’s name can you get lost?
A: No! I’ll tell you what to do…you come over to my place and then drive me to CP…
*Yes, I get the point…*
Me (after an hour’s explanation): So you see, the Congress is really the worst party of them all to vote for!
V: Hmm…well…hmm…
Me: What? You can’t fault my logic, can you? If you can, tell me!
V: No, you’re right! But still, I still can’t think of not voting for them!
Me: Eh? Doesn’t that prove that your logic is flawed or else non-existent?
V: Yeah! But still, so what? Voting is not about logic!!! It’s about…it’s about…emotion!
*QED*
Me: Hey! How you doing?
C: Hey! You back in
Me: Yeah! I’m here for a month or so…
C: Hey cool! Let’s meet up! How about tomorrow?
Me: Umm…not possible tomorrow…have some family function to attend.
C: Oh! OK, day after then? That should be fine huh?
Me: Cool, no problem…let me know where then.
C: Sure. I’m in
Me: Oh-ah…sure…yeah…for day after tomorrow…awesome…fine…buh-bye!
*D-uh*
S: Hey! I need some help from you.
Me: Sure, fire away. What’s it about?
S: Well, it’s about that form I have to fill.
Me: Cool! Need help about what to write or something?
S: No, I know what I should write and all that, but needed to ask you one thing.
Me: OK. What is it?
S: Well, I know what to write and all that…but what exactly is a statement of purpose? As in, what should I write for why I want to do this?
Me: Eh? How in Hell am I expected to know your reasoning process?
S: Well, you can help me understand what I should write…
X: Hey Mike, I need your help for this thingy I did...
Me: Cool. Temme...
X: Well, I need to write what I did in the project.
Me: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
X: Well, see, I need to write what I did...so I thought I'd ask you what I shold write...
*Let's see now...'Whose Project is it Anyway?'*
*Sigh* Women…
Saturday, April 15, 2006
In Mars We Trust - X
It is perhaps a testament to the brain-washing capabilities of the female species that we men have believed for centuries that women look beyond the superficial when choosing their mate. Women, we believe, look for intelligence, maturity, sensitivity and at times even personality when deciding who the man of their dreams is.
Men of course, are far more reasonable and logical in their own choice-making process. Quite simply, we realize the futility of looking for intelligence, logic and accountability in women and are content to acknowledge the fact that women are essentially ornamental creatures that occasionally hold conversational value on topics such as what gifts to buy for people or of course, what footwear suits which outfit… I mean, if we were to start looking for intelligence, accountability, sensitivity, maturity and a love for sports, we’d either be lifelong virgins or gay…neither of which is a particularly appealing alternative in my opinion.
The folly of this reasoning of ours that we attribute to the woman’s reasoning process became apparent to me a while ago, but it is only recently that I was convinced that we men were quite far from the truth in assuming that women went beyond the superficial when judging men…the name of the flaw is, to put it succinctly, ‘intuition’. Yes, that very bane of a man’s existence that renders it well nigh impossible to have a logical discussion with a woman on any topic under the Sun.
Now, I dislike people who merely make claims or level accusations without laying the foundations for the same and therefore, I shall prove to you just what I mean to say, by means of a few conversations that I have been privileged enough to have been a part of with a series of my lady friends. These are the contents of course, of the Appendix to Mars – X which will follow this post…there’s too many of them to include in this one! But, just to give you a feeler of what they were like, here’s one:
Me: I really like Steffi Graf.
S: Yeah, me too. She was a virgin when she married Andre Agassi.
Me: Huh? You nuts? She had at least two publicized affairs before that and she was seeing him for ages before they married! I think she even conceived before they married!
S: NO!!! I tell you she was a virgin when she married him!
Me: Umm…and what makes you say that? Did she tell you?
S: No, but I know it…
Me: Oh, so I presume she said it on Oprah huh? Or did she say that in Time magazine or something?
S: No! I just look at her and I know it!
Me: *Sigh* OK, so it’s your ‘intuition’ thingy eh?
S: No! It’s not intuition but I just know it! And stop giving me logic!!!
Now, thinking about those conversations revealed to me after a couple of days of mulling and musing that it was highly unlikely that members of a species of this kind were capable of logical reasoning when it came to just about any decision. It seemed obvious to me that expecting logic from a woman was akin to expecting India to win this year’s football World Cup…
Further thought and logical reasoning made this an even more obvious conclusion as seen applied to real-life scenarios. Let me enlighten those of you who have not yet quite grasped the drift of what I am getting at. How many losers do you see around you who seem to have women partners? In my experience, nearly all the complete jerk-offs and twats I know seem to have an unending stream of women just dying to be with them. Prime examples include Gayonardo TheCraprio, Enrique Thegooeyass and Abhi-shake Bachchan.
So, what theory then could it possibly be that applies to women and explains their absolutely mystifyingly asinine choice in men that makes them feel that an abject loser like any of the three mentioned above would be a nice guy to be with? (I know at least fourteen women who think that AB Jr. would make a ‘nice husband’…don’t ask me what gives them that feeling…they just ‘feel’ it!)
Much musing and mulling and ho-ing and hum-ing later, I hit upon the idea that women, being the sub-25 IQ creatures that they are, could not possibly be anywhere close to as rational as men when it came to deciding which men to have in their lives (and when I say that I mean of course, as rational as men are when choosing which women to have in their lives) and trust me, my single status did not in any way influence my thinking in this regard ;-)…really, it didn’t…well, not much anyway ;-). It seemed apparent to me therefore, that women must have much more base and banal criteria for judging men and their suitability!
I decided therefore to test this hypothesis of mine and indulged in conversations with a few of the women I happen to know. Suffice to say that each of these conversations bore out the irrefutable truth and proved correct my hypothesis that women were as illogical, irrational and asinine in their choice of men as they are in all other fields of life! Let’s face it, any creature that believes a ‘first-date anniversary’ is more important than a live football game is utterly hopeless and completely incapable of logical thinking and rational reasoning in any field of life!
Anyway, to return to those conversations I had, all of them ran along essentially similar lines and can be summed up as under…
Me: So, then you must like A, right?
D: No! I don’t! Please!
Me: But you just said that he had every quality that you like in men!
D: Yeah, but no, I can’t like him…as in he’s a nice guy and decent and has everything I said…but I can’t go out with him…no!
Me: OK, so what exactly stops you? I mean, there must be something!
D: OK, look, with us women, we decide when we see a guy whether we want to sleep with him or not…and if we don’t, well, that’s that…
I have not, in my whole life felt as vindicated and as devastated simultaneously as I did when I heard those words. Vindicated, for at last I know that women are even more superficial than men and are more senseless than even I had given them credit for (lower that IQ thingy to 15, will you?) and devastated coz…well…frankly, how many women would look at a 4’1” tall cripple and want to sleep with him?
So, brothers, men of this world, change the approach, renew those gym memberships and try the new angles that I am sure will be revealed to your minds now…and hey, if you still can’t come up with anything besides the cheesy “I think I have seen you somewhere”, worry not! Darth Midnightmare will soon return to enlighten you still further. Research continues and the shrouds of mystery shall soon be removed to reveal the naked truth…
Till then though, bear in mind the immortal words of Lynn Lavner:
“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
PS: Darth Midnightmare wishes to inform his well-wishers, few though they may be, that he will now be forced to lie low for a few days to avoid the retribution of the militant arm of the Bachao! Mahila! Andolan’s Jedi Templar. The Sith however will return soon, having overcome this unavoidable disturbance in the Force. As they say, violence is the last refuge of those ill-equipped for intellectual warfare and Hell hath no fury like a woman mocked! So, be patient my faithful apprentices. Lord Midnightmare will return…I’ll be back ;-)
Oh, and here’s a not-so-reassuring thought to leave you with…
“Do you know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither” – Steve Martin
Men of course, are far more reasonable and logical in their own choice-making process. Quite simply, we realize the futility of looking for intelligence, logic and accountability in women and are content to acknowledge the fact that women are essentially ornamental creatures that occasionally hold conversational value on topics such as what gifts to buy for people or of course, what footwear suits which outfit… I mean, if we were to start looking for intelligence, accountability, sensitivity, maturity and a love for sports, we’d either be lifelong virgins or gay…neither of which is a particularly appealing alternative in my opinion.
The folly of this reasoning of ours that we attribute to the woman’s reasoning process became apparent to me a while ago, but it is only recently that I was convinced that we men were quite far from the truth in assuming that women went beyond the superficial when judging men…the name of the flaw is, to put it succinctly, ‘intuition’. Yes, that very bane of a man’s existence that renders it well nigh impossible to have a logical discussion with a woman on any topic under the Sun.
Now, I dislike people who merely make claims or level accusations without laying the foundations for the same and therefore, I shall prove to you just what I mean to say, by means of a few conversations that I have been privileged enough to have been a part of with a series of my lady friends. These are the contents of course, of the Appendix to Mars – X which will follow this post…there’s too many of them to include in this one! But, just to give you a feeler of what they were like, here’s one:
Me: I really like Steffi Graf.
S: Yeah, me too. She was a virgin when she married Andre Agassi.
Me: Huh? You nuts? She had at least two publicized affairs before that and she was seeing him for ages before they married! I think she even conceived before they married!
S: NO!!! I tell you she was a virgin when she married him!
Me: Umm…and what makes you say that? Did she tell you?
S: No, but I know it…
Me: Oh, so I presume she said it on Oprah huh? Or did she say that in Time magazine or something?
S: No! I just look at her and I know it!
Me: *Sigh* OK, so it’s your ‘intuition’ thingy eh?
S: No! It’s not intuition but I just know it! And stop giving me logic!!!
Now, thinking about those conversations revealed to me after a couple of days of mulling and musing that it was highly unlikely that members of a species of this kind were capable of logical reasoning when it came to just about any decision. It seemed obvious to me that expecting logic from a woman was akin to expecting India to win this year’s football World Cup…
Further thought and logical reasoning made this an even more obvious conclusion as seen applied to real-life scenarios. Let me enlighten those of you who have not yet quite grasped the drift of what I am getting at. How many losers do you see around you who seem to have women partners? In my experience, nearly all the complete jerk-offs and twats I know seem to have an unending stream of women just dying to be with them. Prime examples include Gayonardo TheCraprio, Enrique Thegooeyass and Abhi-shake Bachchan.
So, what theory then could it possibly be that applies to women and explains their absolutely mystifyingly asinine choice in men that makes them feel that an abject loser like any of the three mentioned above would be a nice guy to be with? (I know at least fourteen women who think that AB Jr. would make a ‘nice husband’…don’t ask me what gives them that feeling…they just ‘feel’ it!)
Much musing and mulling and ho-ing and hum-ing later, I hit upon the idea that women, being the sub-25 IQ creatures that they are, could not possibly be anywhere close to as rational as men when it came to deciding which men to have in their lives (and when I say that I mean of course, as rational as men are when choosing which women to have in their lives) and trust me, my single status did not in any way influence my thinking in this regard ;-)…really, it didn’t…well, not much anyway ;-). It seemed apparent to me therefore, that women must have much more base and banal criteria for judging men and their suitability!
I decided therefore to test this hypothesis of mine and indulged in conversations with a few of the women I happen to know. Suffice to say that each of these conversations bore out the irrefutable truth and proved correct my hypothesis that women were as illogical, irrational and asinine in their choice of men as they are in all other fields of life! Let’s face it, any creature that believes a ‘first-date anniversary’ is more important than a live football game is utterly hopeless and completely incapable of logical thinking and rational reasoning in any field of life!
Anyway, to return to those conversations I had, all of them ran along essentially similar lines and can be summed up as under…
Me: So, then you must like A, right?
D: No! I don’t! Please!
Me: But you just said that he had every quality that you like in men!
D: Yeah, but no, I can’t like him…as in he’s a nice guy and decent and has everything I said…but I can’t go out with him…no!
Me: OK, so what exactly stops you? I mean, there must be something!
D: OK, look, with us women, we decide when we see a guy whether we want to sleep with him or not…and if we don’t, well, that’s that…
I have not, in my whole life felt as vindicated and as devastated simultaneously as I did when I heard those words. Vindicated, for at last I know that women are even more superficial than men and are more senseless than even I had given them credit for (lower that IQ thingy to 15, will you?) and devastated coz…well…frankly, how many women would look at a 4’1” tall cripple and want to sleep with him?
So, brothers, men of this world, change the approach, renew those gym memberships and try the new angles that I am sure will be revealed to your minds now…and hey, if you still can’t come up with anything besides the cheesy “I think I have seen you somewhere”, worry not! Darth Midnightmare will soon return to enlighten you still further. Research continues and the shrouds of mystery shall soon be removed to reveal the naked truth…
Till then though, bear in mind the immortal words of Lynn Lavner:
“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
PS: Darth Midnightmare wishes to inform his well-wishers, few though they may be, that he will now be forced to lie low for a few days to avoid the retribution of the militant arm of the Bachao! Mahila! Andolan’s Jedi Templar. The Sith however will return soon, having overcome this unavoidable disturbance in the Force. As they say, violence is the last refuge of those ill-equipped for intellectual warfare and Hell hath no fury like a woman mocked! So, be patient my faithful apprentices. Lord Midnightmare will return…I’ll be back ;-)
Oh, and here’s a not-so-reassuring thought to leave you with…
“Do you know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither” – Steve Martin
Friday, January 27, 2006
In Mars We Trust - IX
Being swamped by exams isn’t exactly the nicest feeling in the world, particularly when having completely lost track of the dates, you’ve forgotten to prepare. Not that I am wont to prepare for exams even when I have not lost track of the dates, but at least this time I have an excuse and in typical fashion, when given an excuse I intend to use it to the utmost. Well, getting back to what I was saying before I digressed into the topic of excuses, it’s not really pleasant when at 4 AM in the middle of a potential lap-record lap on NFS Underground…sorry, I mean, in the middle of…ahem…studying for the 9AM exam, you get thrown off track (No, not literally. I was studying, remember?) by the sudden sound of your phone ringing.
Well, being the gentleman that I am, I took the call and even listened to the invectives hurled at me for an entire five seconds, before I very chivalrously and extremely politely cut the caller off in the middle of a decidedly distasteful description of what my insides would look like once she was through with me…
You see, over the past few months (ever since Mars - I actually), I have often been accused by the women in my circle of acquaintances of having wronged them by misquoting them in my Mars series of posts and if not of misquoting them, then of taking the statements they make completely out of context, adding my own context to it and making the comments sound hilarious and the girls sound stupid. Mind you, I freely admit to doing this. But it does raise this question in my mind – Do these women have a sense of humour? And to thereby logically extend it, do women have a sense of humour at all??
Sample this conversation that I had a couple of days ago with a woman who falls into the above-mentioned category (which in case you have not noticed, now includes all women!).
She: You’re so mean!!! You took what I said, twisted it, took it totally out of context, made it sound like I said all that and made me look so stupid!!!
Me: Err…Ah! That’s true, I guess…but you’ll have to admit, it did sound funny the way I put it, didn’t it?
She: Yeah it did! It was hilarious actually, but it made me look stupid! And then you credited it to some other woman!!!
Me: Oh! Would you rather have had me credit you with that one then?
She: No! But I mean…forget it. You’re so mean! I refuse to speak to you…
Now, this member of the Mahila! Bachao! Morcha quite convinced me that women just do not have a sense of humour when it comes to a joke cracked at their expense or even a joke that’s cracked at the expense of something that is remotely connected to what they have ever said…however long ago that might be.
Now, think of a guy in this scenario instead. I assure you that I know exactly what would pass through his mind and with my extremely limited writing skills, I have tried to encapsulate the entire scenario. Picture if you will, this scenario as enacted in a college canteen and add any side-effects that you like…including posters of Jennifer Anniston (I always do that. I like Jennifer y’know…)
Guy1: And then X walks in and he had snot hanging from his nose!!!
Group of guys around: Hahahahahahahah! Wow! That’s too good man!!! Hahahahaha!!
Guy X (Thinking): OK. Keep smile in place so that they don’t know what I am thinking. Grrrr! I wish I could smash that guy’s face in…no, I wish I could beat him to a pulp. Actually, I wish I could do without ever seeing him or talking to him again...actually, on tenth thought, I wish I could crack a better one at his expense… Hell, I wish I could think up a better one. Susie! Neeta! Help! Damn, can’t even ask for help…ok…keep smile in place till something strikes…
Meanwhile:
Guy1: And guess what, then I bolted the door from the outside while Y was on the commode!!!
Group of guys including Guy X: Hahahahahahahah! Wow! That’s too good man!!! Hahahahaha!!
Guy X (Thinking): Cool! It’s passed… I hope they’ve forgotten that one about me… But I’ll get back some day…
You get the picture? Good! That was the intention. So, by that you’ll realise that guys definitely have a better sense of humour than women! We can take jokes at our expense. As a contrast, I offer you this one… Imagine a woman in this situation and think of how things would turn out…
Guy1: And she told me not to tell anyone, but this is too good. You know, she actually likes X!!!!
Group of guys: Hahahahahaha!!! That alien? She likes him? Oh man!! Hahahahaha!!!
Can you imagine what that woman would do to the guy? Nope, words fail me…the mutilation that I imagine astounds and horrifies me… Suffice to say that our poor Guy1 was probably never quite the same man again. That is, if he was ever a man again…
Let’s face it. We guys may not be the most discreet or the most diplomatic; not even the most subtle come to think of it, but you can’t deny that we have a better sense of humour!!! Can you imagine a guy saying to another guy (or a girl for that matter) that he refuses to have anything to do with him (or her) because he (or she) cracked a joke at his expense? Hmmm… Even if a guy wanted to do that, you can bet your bottom dollar - and even your bottom rupee if you feel like it - that he wouldn’t say so!!! After all, we do have a sense of humour you know…
Well, at this point I think I should reassure all those who are named in my extremely substantial will, that I have now increased my insurance cover. I deemed this the right course of action after being nearly lynched by activists of the Mahila! Bachao! Morcha yesterday. For some reason they didn’t quite seem to see the humour in Mars – VIII. I guess we can put that down as yet another example of how absent a sense of humour is in women apart from the few who happen to appreciate the Mars series.
By the way, the afore-mentioned attack also helped me realise exactly how the name of the association was born. One look at the activists and the first thing that came to my mind was to scream, “Mahila!!! Bachao!!!”
Well, being the gentleman that I am, I took the call and even listened to the invectives hurled at me for an entire five seconds, before I very chivalrously and extremely politely cut the caller off in the middle of a decidedly distasteful description of what my insides would look like once she was through with me…
You see, over the past few months (ever since Mars - I actually), I have often been accused by the women in my circle of acquaintances of having wronged them by misquoting them in my Mars series of posts and if not of misquoting them, then of taking the statements they make completely out of context, adding my own context to it and making the comments sound hilarious and the girls sound stupid. Mind you, I freely admit to doing this. But it does raise this question in my mind – Do these women have a sense of humour? And to thereby logically extend it, do women have a sense of humour at all??
Sample this conversation that I had a couple of days ago with a woman who falls into the above-mentioned category (which in case you have not noticed, now includes all women!).
She: You’re so mean!!! You took what I said, twisted it, took it totally out of context, made it sound like I said all that and made me look so stupid!!!
Me: Err…Ah! That’s true, I guess…but you’ll have to admit, it did sound funny the way I put it, didn’t it?
She: Yeah it did! It was hilarious actually, but it made me look stupid! And then you credited it to some other woman!!!
Me: Oh! Would you rather have had me credit you with that one then?
She: No! But I mean…forget it. You’re so mean! I refuse to speak to you…
Now, this member of the Mahila! Bachao! Morcha quite convinced me that women just do not have a sense of humour when it comes to a joke cracked at their expense or even a joke that’s cracked at the expense of something that is remotely connected to what they have ever said…however long ago that might be.
Now, think of a guy in this scenario instead. I assure you that I know exactly what would pass through his mind and with my extremely limited writing skills, I have tried to encapsulate the entire scenario. Picture if you will, this scenario as enacted in a college canteen and add any side-effects that you like…including posters of Jennifer Anniston (I always do that. I like Jennifer y’know…)
Guy1: And then X walks in and he had snot hanging from his nose!!!
Group of guys around: Hahahahahahahah! Wow! That’s too good man!!! Hahahahaha!!
Guy X (Thinking): OK. Keep smile in place so that they don’t know what I am thinking. Grrrr! I wish I could smash that guy’s face in…no, I wish I could beat him to a pulp. Actually, I wish I could do without ever seeing him or talking to him again...actually, on tenth thought, I wish I could crack a better one at his expense… Hell, I wish I could think up a better one. Susie! Neeta! Help! Damn, can’t even ask for help…ok…keep smile in place till something strikes…
Meanwhile:
Guy1: And guess what, then I bolted the door from the outside while Y was on the commode!!!
Group of guys including Guy X: Hahahahahahahah! Wow! That’s too good man!!! Hahahahaha!!
Guy X (Thinking): Cool! It’s passed… I hope they’ve forgotten that one about me… But I’ll get back some day…
You get the picture? Good! That was the intention. So, by that you’ll realise that guys definitely have a better sense of humour than women! We can take jokes at our expense. As a contrast, I offer you this one… Imagine a woman in this situation and think of how things would turn out…
Guy1: And she told me not to tell anyone, but this is too good. You know, she actually likes X!!!!
Group of guys: Hahahahahaha!!! That alien? She likes him? Oh man!! Hahahahaha!!!
Can you imagine what that woman would do to the guy? Nope, words fail me…the mutilation that I imagine astounds and horrifies me… Suffice to say that our poor Guy1 was probably never quite the same man again. That is, if he was ever a man again…
Let’s face it. We guys may not be the most discreet or the most diplomatic; not even the most subtle come to think of it, but you can’t deny that we have a better sense of humour!!! Can you imagine a guy saying to another guy (or a girl for that matter) that he refuses to have anything to do with him (or her) because he (or she) cracked a joke at his expense? Hmmm… Even if a guy wanted to do that, you can bet your bottom dollar - and even your bottom rupee if you feel like it - that he wouldn’t say so!!! After all, we do have a sense of humour you know…
Well, at this point I think I should reassure all those who are named in my extremely substantial will, that I have now increased my insurance cover. I deemed this the right course of action after being nearly lynched by activists of the Mahila! Bachao! Morcha yesterday. For some reason they didn’t quite seem to see the humour in Mars – VIII. I guess we can put that down as yet another example of how absent a sense of humour is in women apart from the few who happen to appreciate the Mars series.
By the way, the afore-mentioned attack also helped me realise exactly how the name of the association was born. One look at the activists and the first thing that came to my mind was to scream, “Mahila!!! Bachao!!!”
In Mars We Trust - VIII
Yes indeedy, it's that time of the year again. Of course you may argue that with me, and most men for that matter "that time of the year" as I chose to put it, comes more than just once a year, so perhaps the phrase is a bit less than appropriate, but then again, there's little that I can do considering that unlike my previous avatar, in this life, owing to the silly laws of our land, I am unable to have in my employ, that gem among men, Jeeves. Yes, it is indeed sad that the gentleman's gentleman is no more a feature of our humble abodes. I must say that the worst of it of course has been the fact that I have had to learn how to put on my own spats and tie my laces. On the pro side of course there is the fact that he would have been quite likely to object to my hair which are currently a quite pleasing shade of green with a dash of purple thrown in...
In any case, I don't quite know whether I should do this. You see, this is the point of the post where I begin to wonder whether I should give a quick recap for those poor coves who're reading about Mars for the first time or just get straight into it, assuming that everyon knows the background. The latter course of action runs the risk of people raising questions like, "Eh? You mean the little green things?" while of course, the former might end up having the regulars remarking in a piqued manner, "Get on with it old man. Stop wasting my time and let me get back to my coding job.." Well, to keep both camps happy, I'll cut the drivel here and if you do want any background, you can get it by clicking here.
Well, with that, let me get to the nub of this eighth (ninth if count the appendix of the first one) installment of my Mars series... This one is more an appeal for help actually than a real post, but anyway...
Me: Hey, how’s it going? You’re looking good…really nice. I like that new hair-do.
She: Yeah? Thannnnnnk youuuuuu!
Me: And how’re things on ‘that’ front?
She: Don’t even mention that. I hate all men!!!
Me: Uh… Aah! OK. Care to tell me why? Coz just yesterday you were extolling his virtues and how nice he was and all that stuff!!!
She: I don’t know. I mean, he’s so infuriatingly stupid!! I don’t think anything will ever come of this. How can it when the guy acts like he has absolutely no brains at all? And mind you, that’s not all. He also behaves as if he’s damn blind!!!
Me: Oh! That’s strange. I mean, I could have sworn he was going to ask you out yesterday. It kind of looked like that you know…
She: Yeah, he did. Came up and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner…
Me: OK, so he did ask you out, see? Then what’s the problem? How was the dinner? Where’d he take you?
She: Huh? Dinner? Oh no, we didn’t go anywhere. I told him I couldn’t make it…
Me: You did what? Jeez, you must be crazier than I thought or else I’m daft. I mean, you say you like this chap, he finally asks you out and you declined? And you say he’s stupid?
She: Nooooo!!!! Don’t behave like an idiot now! Of course I turned him down. I don’t want to look like I like him or anything right now obviously. He shouldn’t get the idea that I like him or anything!
Me: Eh? Am I missing something here? Isn’t that the very idea here? I mean, how can you say that nothing will come of this and blame him for that when you’re the one that behaves like a dolt?
She: You’re stupid. You’ll never understand so just forget it ok?
Me: Umm… OK…if you say so. But at least tell me the logic behind this. I may not buy it or understand it, but at least tell me! I swear I will not question it…
She: OK. See, I want him to take the initiative. You know, like, organize something. Ask me out again a couple of times. Then I can go without it looking that I am the one that wants to go…
Me: Hmmm…I do hope you realize that he’s the kind that hates having his emotions known in these matters…
She: Yeah! Of course I know. That’s exactly why I want him to take the initiative!!
All right. Now, someone (Women, this is an appeal to you!!), please, please, please, PLEASE explain this one to me. Why do women behave like this? This particular incident happened around seven years ago, but I really don’t think things have changed one bit since then… I really have lost count of the number of times I have seen this scene repeated. A bit sad :-(
Dimitri (He’s a guy): Hey K, I wanted to ask you something.
K (She’s a girl): Yeah, tell me…
D: Is it true that when women say “no” they mean a “yes”?
K: Of course not. That is such crap. I hate guys who think that way. I mean, it is so demeaning. Why would a woman say “no” if she wanted to say “yes”?
D: OK, so you’re saying that when a woman says “no”, she means “no”, because otherwise she’d say a “yes” if she wanted to agree? Is that it? I mean, it’s normal? Like with guys?
K: D-uh! Yeah! I mean of course there are times when a girl may say “no” even when she wants to say “yes” but that can be easily understood because she will say it in a particular way and you can understand that by the qualifiers that will qualify the statement.
Me: Uh? Like, (a) aren’t qualifiers meant to qualify? And (b) So now you’re saying that women do say “no” when they mean “yes” but that can be understood, although women don’t say “no” when they want to agree, which is where you started off. So, what’s a yes and what’s a no and if that’s not clear, what on Earth is a “maybe”?
K: OK, look, lemme put it this way for you dolts. If a girl says “yes”, it probably means she agrees, although it could also mean that she’s just not able to think up an excuse to refuse right now and will immediately refuse once she comes up with one. When a girl says “no”, it may mean “no” or it could mean that she wants you to try harder and that she actually wants to say “yes” but doesn’t want to seem ‘easy’. And if she says “maybe”, then it definitely means a “no”, except that she may want to tease you a bit and may be saying that to torment you…in which case you’ll have to try again and see what happens.
Me: Eh? But just how do I know which “no” or “maybe” she means if there are no qualifiers?
She: Then you just have to keep trying until you find out…
*Sigh*. These are actually the moments that make me wonder whether even that great brain of Jeeves, bulging as it was with all the fish he ate, would have been able to make any sense of this seeming drivel. There does however remain that little cloud on the silver lining, or have I got that wrong? Anyway, my cousin R, (not to be confused with the one in Mars IV who is as unreasonable a woman as was ever known to Mars) very kindly volunteered a few years back to help me get things clear and that did quite a bit to convince me that Salvation was nigh. And nigh it still is, I must say, for there have been several things she has told me which have given me the niggling feeling that the day I decipher what she says, men like me shall attain the Nirvana that we seek; and no, I do not mean the one that had Kurt No-brain singing for it. But, Venusian (is that correct?) is not proving too easy to decipher quite frankly though I assure you that the day I crack the code, you my dear readers shall be the first to know... I've come to this thing she told me once which I think is the crucial piece in the interpretation jigsaw...
Cousin R: Look, I’m telling you what you should do. The next time you meet, don’t be too eager, but don’t be cold. You know, just play it right. It’ll have been a long time right? So just behave as if you couldn’t care less about her being there, but don’t be cold. As in, be charming and all with her, but don’t let her feel that you like her being there. At the same time make her feel like you’re happy that she’s there, you know…
It’s been years… I am still trying to work this one out. Susie Derkins!!! Help!!!
*Sigh* Women…
In any case, I don't quite know whether I should do this. You see, this is the point of the post where I begin to wonder whether I should give a quick recap for those poor coves who're reading about Mars for the first time or just get straight into it, assuming that everyon knows the background. The latter course of action runs the risk of people raising questions like, "Eh? You mean the little green things?" while of course, the former might end up having the regulars remarking in a piqued manner, "Get on with it old man. Stop wasting my time and let me get back to my coding job.." Well, to keep both camps happy, I'll cut the drivel here and if you do want any background, you can get it by clicking here.
Well, with that, let me get to the nub of this eighth (ninth if count the appendix of the first one) installment of my Mars series... This one is more an appeal for help actually than a real post, but anyway...
Me: Hey, how’s it going? You’re looking good…really nice. I like that new hair-do.
She: Yeah? Thannnnnnk youuuuuu!
Me: And how’re things on ‘that’ front?
She: Don’t even mention that. I hate all men!!!
Me: Uh… Aah! OK. Care to tell me why? Coz just yesterday you were extolling his virtues and how nice he was and all that stuff!!!
She: I don’t know. I mean, he’s so infuriatingly stupid!! I don’t think anything will ever come of this. How can it when the guy acts like he has absolutely no brains at all? And mind you, that’s not all. He also behaves as if he’s damn blind!!!
Me: Oh! That’s strange. I mean, I could have sworn he was going to ask you out yesterday. It kind of looked like that you know…
She: Yeah, he did. Came up and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner…
Me: OK, so he did ask you out, see? Then what’s the problem? How was the dinner? Where’d he take you?
She: Huh? Dinner? Oh no, we didn’t go anywhere. I told him I couldn’t make it…
Me: You did what? Jeez, you must be crazier than I thought or else I’m daft. I mean, you say you like this chap, he finally asks you out and you declined? And you say he’s stupid?
She: Nooooo!!!! Don’t behave like an idiot now! Of course I turned him down. I don’t want to look like I like him or anything right now obviously. He shouldn’t get the idea that I like him or anything!
Me: Eh? Am I missing something here? Isn’t that the very idea here? I mean, how can you say that nothing will come of this and blame him for that when you’re the one that behaves like a dolt?
She: You’re stupid. You’ll never understand so just forget it ok?
Me: Umm… OK…if you say so. But at least tell me the logic behind this. I may not buy it or understand it, but at least tell me! I swear I will not question it…
She: OK. See, I want him to take the initiative. You know, like, organize something. Ask me out again a couple of times. Then I can go without it looking that I am the one that wants to go…
Me: Hmmm…I do hope you realize that he’s the kind that hates having his emotions known in these matters…
She: Yeah! Of course I know. That’s exactly why I want him to take the initiative!!
All right. Now, someone (Women, this is an appeal to you!!), please, please, please, PLEASE explain this one to me. Why do women behave like this? This particular incident happened around seven years ago, but I really don’t think things have changed one bit since then… I really have lost count of the number of times I have seen this scene repeated. A bit sad :-(
Dimitri (He’s a guy): Hey K, I wanted to ask you something.
K (She’s a girl): Yeah, tell me…
D: Is it true that when women say “no” they mean a “yes”?
K: Of course not. That is such crap. I hate guys who think that way. I mean, it is so demeaning. Why would a woman say “no” if she wanted to say “yes”?
D: OK, so you’re saying that when a woman says “no”, she means “no”, because otherwise she’d say a “yes” if she wanted to agree? Is that it? I mean, it’s normal? Like with guys?
K: D-uh! Yeah! I mean of course there are times when a girl may say “no” even when she wants to say “yes” but that can be easily understood because she will say it in a particular way and you can understand that by the qualifiers that will qualify the statement.
Me: Uh? Like, (a) aren’t qualifiers meant to qualify? And (b) So now you’re saying that women do say “no” when they mean “yes” but that can be understood, although women don’t say “no” when they want to agree, which is where you started off. So, what’s a yes and what’s a no and if that’s not clear, what on Earth is a “maybe”?
K: OK, look, lemme put it this way for you dolts. If a girl says “yes”, it probably means she agrees, although it could also mean that she’s just not able to think up an excuse to refuse right now and will immediately refuse once she comes up with one. When a girl says “no”, it may mean “no” or it could mean that she wants you to try harder and that she actually wants to say “yes” but doesn’t want to seem ‘easy’. And if she says “maybe”, then it definitely means a “no”, except that she may want to tease you a bit and may be saying that to torment you…in which case you’ll have to try again and see what happens.
Me: Eh? But just how do I know which “no” or “maybe” she means if there are no qualifiers?
She: Then you just have to keep trying until you find out…
*Sigh*. These are actually the moments that make me wonder whether even that great brain of Jeeves, bulging as it was with all the fish he ate, would have been able to make any sense of this seeming drivel. There does however remain that little cloud on the silver lining, or have I got that wrong? Anyway, my cousin R, (not to be confused with the one in Mars IV who is as unreasonable a woman as was ever known to Mars) very kindly volunteered a few years back to help me get things clear and that did quite a bit to convince me that Salvation was nigh. And nigh it still is, I must say, for there have been several things she has told me which have given me the niggling feeling that the day I decipher what she says, men like me shall attain the Nirvana that we seek; and no, I do not mean the one that had Kurt No-brain singing for it. But, Venusian (is that correct?) is not proving too easy to decipher quite frankly though I assure you that the day I crack the code, you my dear readers shall be the first to know... I've come to this thing she told me once which I think is the crucial piece in the interpretation jigsaw...
Cousin R: Look, I’m telling you what you should do. The next time you meet, don’t be too eager, but don’t be cold. You know, just play it right. It’ll have been a long time right? So just behave as if you couldn’t care less about her being there, but don’t be cold. As in, be charming and all with her, but don’t let her feel that you like her being there. At the same time make her feel like you’re happy that she’s there, you know…
It’s been years… I am still trying to work this one out. Susie Derkins!!! Help!!!
*Sigh* Women…
In Mars We Trust - VII
Now, I swear to you that this really happened......this girl (an IIM student) was asked at her initiation what qualities she looked for in her man...and first off she said he needed to be at least 6 feet tall....now, that's perfectly fine of course....I mean, even though I am only around 4'1", I can say honestly that I see nothing wrong with that....except that she's probably only 5'0" (with stilettos) herself!!! I guess a step-ladder might be in order as a marriage gift.....
Now, if you're sensible, which by default of course means that you are male, you will see the absolute stupidity of this......but mention this to any woman as a joke, and chances are she'll either just try to murder you with her looks or pull out that scythe that most women carry hidden in their mouths all the time. I'd bet on the latter, but you never know....you may be one of the unluckier ones.....
Either way, you'd have learnt the hard way, a lesson that I am teaching you in this one....that women are not just silly and impractical and unreasonable....they are also absolutely cock-eyed in their expectations of what their men should do for them....
Let's go back to the first known instance of these things. If my old pal Hans C. Anderson is to be believed, a few years ago, women expected their men to ride horses up glass hills in order to be eligible to marry them! Now, what kind of absolute whackjob would want that? I mean, how many times in her life is a woman going to have any use for a man who can climb up glass hills? Dashed stupid if you ask me (Yes, that's a Wooster line). Compounded of course, by the fact that even if the need ever did arise for someone to ride up a glass hill in order to save her life (yeah, seems unlikely, but bear with me. The women raise the "what if" too damned often...), one asks oneself if she wouldn't have been better off by merely buying the horse instead!!!!!!!
Which leads very neatly onto the next thing. Should we really wish that women demanded less from our modes of transport? (After all, my car can't go up even a silly hillock, forget a glass hill!!!) And the answer surprisingly is NO!!!! Because it appears that their demands from men are far worse!!!
"He should be able to die for me..."
"He should be willing to sacrifice his right arm for me..." etc etc.....
Now, the first scenario seems ghastly, at first look doesn't it? I mean, think about it, you're standing at the edge of this cliff and the girl's father is running behind the two of you with a rifle...the options are:
1. Jump together (a la the Hindi movies)
2. She jumps and you escape in the resulting confusion, misery and police jeeps-induced roadkill fest...
3. You jump and she returns to the arms of daddy dearest
You bet she'll expect you to choose the third alternative....you can also bet that she'll shed a gallon of tears the night before her wedding on the shoulder of your best friend before she proceeds to marry your boss (crocodile-hide shoes anyone? :-) ).....and then proceed to live happily ever after of course....but this is straying from the point. Which is, that as horrible as this scenario may sound, it is the other one that terrifies me more!!!
Like, what kind of person expects you to cut off your arm for her???? Would she have any use for you after that? Not much really, unless she's a ringmaster....in which case, she's not apt to be inclined to hitching up with her travelling freak show's biggest draw.....but once again, that's straying from the course we had set at the beginning.
I'd hate to have a woman come to me holding in her left arm, a ghastly right arm, while her right sleeve hung by her side. Even if it was someone just playing a joke like that on me, it would have me shivering in my sleep for at least the next five minutes. But do these women think that way? Oh no, you bet they don't!!! They probably had the mantlepiece measured out even before they knew you...and you can now decide for yourself why women maintain those dug up backyards.......even in apartment houses.....c'mon did you really believe they were for cats?
Finale: If you really want to know what women can make men into, think about Spode. He was actually, in his own words, "willing to tear himself into little bits, if it made Madeline happy." Now, if this doesn't tell you about Madeline's character, nothing ever will....
Although one must remember mates, that at times we do have exactly this irrationality of women to thank.....I shall never forget that look of total exasperation on the face of this parent (all parents seem to have the same expression when they see me), as he remarked:
"I can't figure out WHY...I mean WHY does she actually seem to like going out with you???? What in God's name does she see in anyone as revoltingly offensive as you???? Why can't she be sensible for a change?????"
Ummmm....that's why I prefer women dumb :-) Remember dudes, if women judged men the way most men judge women, we'd spend our entire lives inside gyms trying to look like what the women wanted us to look like.....while they waited for us in the pubs growing beer bellies......
Now, if you're sensible, which by default of course means that you are male, you will see the absolute stupidity of this......but mention this to any woman as a joke, and chances are she'll either just try to murder you with her looks or pull out that scythe that most women carry hidden in their mouths all the time. I'd bet on the latter, but you never know....you may be one of the unluckier ones.....
Either way, you'd have learnt the hard way, a lesson that I am teaching you in this one....that women are not just silly and impractical and unreasonable....they are also absolutely cock-eyed in their expectations of what their men should do for them....
Let's go back to the first known instance of these things. If my old pal Hans C. Anderson is to be believed, a few years ago, women expected their men to ride horses up glass hills in order to be eligible to marry them! Now, what kind of absolute whackjob would want that? I mean, how many times in her life is a woman going to have any use for a man who can climb up glass hills? Dashed stupid if you ask me (Yes, that's a Wooster line). Compounded of course, by the fact that even if the need ever did arise for someone to ride up a glass hill in order to save her life (yeah, seems unlikely, but bear with me. The women raise the "what if" too damned often...), one asks oneself if she wouldn't have been better off by merely buying the horse instead!!!!!!!
Which leads very neatly onto the next thing. Should we really wish that women demanded less from our modes of transport? (After all, my car can't go up even a silly hillock, forget a glass hill!!!) And the answer surprisingly is NO!!!! Because it appears that their demands from men are far worse!!!
"He should be able to die for me..."
"He should be willing to sacrifice his right arm for me..." etc etc.....
Now, the first scenario seems ghastly, at first look doesn't it? I mean, think about it, you're standing at the edge of this cliff and the girl's father is running behind the two of you with a rifle...the options are:
1. Jump together (a la the Hindi movies)
2. She jumps and you escape in the resulting confusion, misery and police jeeps-induced roadkill fest...
3. You jump and she returns to the arms of daddy dearest
You bet she'll expect you to choose the third alternative....you can also bet that she'll shed a gallon of tears the night before her wedding on the shoulder of your best friend before she proceeds to marry your boss (crocodile-hide shoes anyone? :-) ).....and then proceed to live happily ever after of course....but this is straying from the point. Which is, that as horrible as this scenario may sound, it is the other one that terrifies me more!!!
Like, what kind of person expects you to cut off your arm for her???? Would she have any use for you after that? Not much really, unless she's a ringmaster....in which case, she's not apt to be inclined to hitching up with her travelling freak show's biggest draw.....but once again, that's straying from the course we had set at the beginning.
I'd hate to have a woman come to me holding in her left arm, a ghastly right arm, while her right sleeve hung by her side. Even if it was someone just playing a joke like that on me, it would have me shivering in my sleep for at least the next five minutes. But do these women think that way? Oh no, you bet they don't!!! They probably had the mantlepiece measured out even before they knew you...and you can now decide for yourself why women maintain those dug up backyards.......even in apartment houses.....c'mon did you really believe they were for cats?
Finale: If you really want to know what women can make men into, think about Spode. He was actually, in his own words, "willing to tear himself into little bits, if it made Madeline happy." Now, if this doesn't tell you about Madeline's character, nothing ever will....
Although one must remember mates, that at times we do have exactly this irrationality of women to thank.....I shall never forget that look of total exasperation on the face of this parent (all parents seem to have the same expression when they see me), as he remarked:
"I can't figure out WHY...I mean WHY does she actually seem to like going out with you???? What in God's name does she see in anyone as revoltingly offensive as you???? Why can't she be sensible for a change?????"
Ummmm....that's why I prefer women dumb :-) Remember dudes, if women judged men the way most men judge women, we'd spend our entire lives inside gyms trying to look like what the women wanted us to look like.....while they waited for us in the pubs growing beer bellies......
In Mars We Trust - VI
This one is for ~J~....dedicated to her post about the lack of men with "initiative" and all those kinda things.....
Guy: “Umm…you know, errr….I, I really ….errr…..I really like you.”
Woman: “THAT has got to be the worst way of saying it that I have ever heard.”
(Awkward silence….woman twists a lip….the guy feels like jumping in front of the oncoming lorry. It was certainly a prettier sight imagining her weeping over his body than standing here like this being ridiculed…..)
Woman (after a 1 hour silence. At least it seemed like an hour to him.): “I’ve been waiting for months to hear you say that….”
Now, whenever I narrate this to a guy friend, he, like me, is all sympathy for the poor man in this, who’s made to squirm and feel like a total loser in this entire scenario. The women however, think it’s “So sweet!!!” Kinda predictable. After all, they are a species that delights in inflicting pain and humiliation on us ever-tolerant males…..
I mean look at it. Who’s the dumb one in the afore-mentioned conversation? The woman knew the chappie liked her for months, given her words. She also knew she liked him and she knew he was the type that dilly-dallied for months!!!! ….So what on Earth was stopping her from telling him herself????? Well, that is the logical thing to do, you’d say (if you’re male), but from where they stand, you see, that would mean forgoing the best way in which to make this chap feel small!!!!
Now, I can already hear the women clamouring and asking, “Why didn’t he tell her before???” Well, my dear ladies, the fault for that lies in you too! Think about it……a typical conversation between a group of women:
Woman1: That guy was such a jerk!!! I mean, he just walks right up to me and goes, "Can I buy you a drink?" Like, "Hel-lo!!!! Do I look like some kind of pick-up????? Get lost!!!!" You should have seen his face!!!! Looked like he wanted to kill himself (Laughter all around the table)
Woman2: Yeah, those guys are such creeps!!!! Like this guy who walked up to me last night and went, "I've been looking at you all evening" and I was like, "Huh?? Dumbass, I just got here!!!" Loser!!! (More peals of laughter)
And it goes on. Now, do you really think that after facing such sadistic brutality, these guys are going to be in a hurry to approach another woman….”take the initiative”, as women like to call it? Now contrast this to what would ensue if a woman, however hideous, approached a man……I can see the civility that would ensue. It’d probably sound like:
Woman: Hello, I saw you from over the bar. Can I buy you a drink?
Man: Uh….sure…..no problem….
Woman: OK….
It’s obvious that after a while this man will get a call from his girlfriend, wife, mother or his ex-boss’ manservant or maybe his maid’s dying grandmother, making it imperative for him to leave, but you see, he’s left the woman her pride. Do women do that with us? Uh-huh…..I mean, they’ll watch us fall over our feet and not just rub it in, but also go and crack jokes about it (with tons of exaggeration) to their girlfriends…..
So, just what do women want? Well, in my opinion, they just want to bring more misery to men. All I need to do is reflect on this conversation I had with a friend of mine recently….
Me: So, did he call?
She: No, not yet…I wonder why….has he called you for my number yet?
Me: Huh? You mean he doesn’t have your number?
She: No. I took his and told him I’d give him a missed call…..
Me: Then how do you expect him to call you?
She: He should work to get my number na? Let him make an effort ya.
Me: Huh? Dumbass!!! Call him!!!
She: No, let him stew…..
Huh???? Am I the only one that thinks she’s dumb???? Anyway, we all know women are dumb in any case, so why dwell on that?
Getting back to “taking the initiative”, have you noticed the number of easy lines that are no longer acceptable? I mean, women now don’t just want a man who approaches them, they also want a line they’ve never heard before…..now, how many stupid things are there that you can tell a person you’ve never met????? Kinda silly to expect newer stuff everytime if you ask me…..coz at this rate we’ll soon have men trying out stuff like, “So, which shampoo do you use for your pet poodle, if you have one?” or “Do you support Japan in their anti anti-whaling crusade?” or, “Which coloured tiles do you like in public restrooms?”
Seriously, if this is what feminism and women’s lib are all about, I’m all for a return to the Victorian era….though I must say that reading the travails of a certain Bertram Wilberforce Wooster has certainly made me wonder if things were any better then……
To top it all, I now have even the stupid advertising industry against me!!!!! I mean, women, WOMEN kept telling me that I should now leverage on the fact that am in an IIM……Well, that’s fair enough….or so I thought….
So, I got to Bombay with these grand plans…..only to see that the most popular ad amongst the women at that time was this stupid billboard with this woman on it saying “So, I am not from an IIM….so WHAT???” And these same women "looooorrrrveeee" it!!!!! ????????
*Sigh* Women……
Guy: “Umm…you know, errr….I, I really ….errr…..I really like you.”
Woman: “THAT has got to be the worst way of saying it that I have ever heard.”
(Awkward silence….woman twists a lip….the guy feels like jumping in front of the oncoming lorry. It was certainly a prettier sight imagining her weeping over his body than standing here like this being ridiculed…..)
Woman (after a 1 hour silence. At least it seemed like an hour to him.): “I’ve been waiting for months to hear you say that….”
Now, whenever I narrate this to a guy friend, he, like me, is all sympathy for the poor man in this, who’s made to squirm and feel like a total loser in this entire scenario. The women however, think it’s “So sweet!!!” Kinda predictable. After all, they are a species that delights in inflicting pain and humiliation on us ever-tolerant males…..
I mean look at it. Who’s the dumb one in the afore-mentioned conversation? The woman knew the chappie liked her for months, given her words. She also knew she liked him and she knew he was the type that dilly-dallied for months!!!! ….So what on Earth was stopping her from telling him herself????? Well, that is the logical thing to do, you’d say (if you’re male), but from where they stand, you see, that would mean forgoing the best way in which to make this chap feel small!!!!
Now, I can already hear the women clamouring and asking, “Why didn’t he tell her before???” Well, my dear ladies, the fault for that lies in you too! Think about it……a typical conversation between a group of women:
Woman1: That guy was such a jerk!!! I mean, he just walks right up to me and goes, "Can I buy you a drink?" Like, "Hel-lo!!!! Do I look like some kind of pick-up????? Get lost!!!!" You should have seen his face!!!! Looked like he wanted to kill himself (Laughter all around the table)
Woman2: Yeah, those guys are such creeps!!!! Like this guy who walked up to me last night and went, "I've been looking at you all evening" and I was like, "Huh?? Dumbass, I just got here!!!" Loser!!! (More peals of laughter)
And it goes on. Now, do you really think that after facing such sadistic brutality, these guys are going to be in a hurry to approach another woman….”take the initiative”, as women like to call it? Now contrast this to what would ensue if a woman, however hideous, approached a man……I can see the civility that would ensue. It’d probably sound like:
Woman: Hello, I saw you from over the bar. Can I buy you a drink?
Man: Uh….sure…..no problem….
Woman: OK….
It’s obvious that after a while this man will get a call from his girlfriend, wife, mother or his ex-boss’ manservant or maybe his maid’s dying grandmother, making it imperative for him to leave, but you see, he’s left the woman her pride. Do women do that with us? Uh-huh…..I mean, they’ll watch us fall over our feet and not just rub it in, but also go and crack jokes about it (with tons of exaggeration) to their girlfriends…..
So, just what do women want? Well, in my opinion, they just want to bring more misery to men. All I need to do is reflect on this conversation I had with a friend of mine recently….
Me: So, did he call?
She: No, not yet…I wonder why….has he called you for my number yet?
Me: Huh? You mean he doesn’t have your number?
She: No. I took his and told him I’d give him a missed call…..
Me: Then how do you expect him to call you?
She: He should work to get my number na? Let him make an effort ya.
Me: Huh? Dumbass!!! Call him!!!
She: No, let him stew…..
Huh???? Am I the only one that thinks she’s dumb???? Anyway, we all know women are dumb in any case, so why dwell on that?
Getting back to “taking the initiative”, have you noticed the number of easy lines that are no longer acceptable? I mean, women now don’t just want a man who approaches them, they also want a line they’ve never heard before…..now, how many stupid things are there that you can tell a person you’ve never met????? Kinda silly to expect newer stuff everytime if you ask me…..coz at this rate we’ll soon have men trying out stuff like, “So, which shampoo do you use for your pet poodle, if you have one?” or “Do you support Japan in their anti anti-whaling crusade?” or, “Which coloured tiles do you like in public restrooms?”
Seriously, if this is what feminism and women’s lib are all about, I’m all for a return to the Victorian era….though I must say that reading the travails of a certain Bertram Wilberforce Wooster has certainly made me wonder if things were any better then……
To top it all, I now have even the stupid advertising industry against me!!!!! I mean, women, WOMEN kept telling me that I should now leverage on the fact that am in an IIM……Well, that’s fair enough….or so I thought….
So, I got to Bombay with these grand plans…..only to see that the most popular ad amongst the women at that time was this stupid billboard with this woman on it saying “So, I am not from an IIM….so WHAT???” And these same women "looooorrrrveeee" it!!!!! ????????
*Sigh* Women……
In Mars We Trust - V
To start off, let me just list down a few pearls of wisdom that have flowed from the beautiful and lipstick-coated lips of a few women I happen to know….and then we'll get to the driver joke that people have asked for....
“You know, it was one of those days when everything goes wrong and you know, those are the days when somehow, nothing seems to go right, and then you feel as if, whatever you do, somehow, everything will go wrong and….well….everything goes wrong…” (Oh! Do you think that may have something to do with nothing going right?)
Fresher woman on IIML campus asking a senior guy for certain directions:
She: Can you tell me where the confectionary shop is?
Guy: Huh? Confectionary shop?
She: Yeah. I need to buy a lock!
Like, what was she thinking? Perhaps she felt that if she lost her key, at least she could eat a nice, “sweet” little lock, instead of having to break an ugly metal one…..
Another fresher woman to senior guy whom she knew in college:
“Hi! I’ve been looking for you for the past week! I mean not really looking for you, but you know, since I reached here day before, I was trying to find you. Not exactly searching for you, but I was in a way looking for you.”
If you think you’re floored, imagine that poor chap’s expression!!! He was sitting in the middle of a group of his friends and looked as if he just couldn’t wait for the Earth to split and consume him……
Or how about this one, from a girl headed to the hallowed portals of IIMA:
“I never thought I could make it to IIMA. I was totally confident that I would crack CAT and the interview and GD and all, but I was sure I would never make it to IIMA. I was so surprised when I even got an interview call! And seriously, though I was so confident that I would crack CAT and all, I never thought I would get calls and all….”
No, I shall not divulge names here……and no, I do not have a clue what this woman was trying to convey….somehow though, I get the feeling she may not have known what the word “cracking” means when used in this context……*sigh*
Anyway, as promised, here’s the “driver” joke…..
Now, one fine day, Batman decided to pick up Superman and head out for a nice, long drive in the country……on the way though, the stupid Batmobile broke down and being miles away from home and Alfred, there was just nothing that could be done about it…..because both these chappies had been too busy fighting crime to ever learn about repairing cars and mundane things like that…..
Well, along came this couple, a really intelligent man and a really intelligent woman….and they offered these two a lift. Having no real option, the offer was accepted at once and the happy foursome headed on into the open country roads.
A mile down the road, the car had an accident and three of the passengers died……guess who the only survivor was!
Yep, as you may have guessed, this is a feminist joke thus far…..it was the intelligent woman as the rest are fictitious characters….
Women stop reading here!!!!!
Now guys, between ourselves, we all know that we needed to give them some false solace and that’s the only reason why we told them that one….we all know the real truth!!!! And Hell, let’s face it! It had to be the stupid woman that was driving…..that’s the only way they could have had an accident on an open country road!!!!!
Women: If you’re reading this, you’ve just proved the point. You don’t LISTEN!!!!!
“You know, it was one of those days when everything goes wrong and you know, those are the days when somehow, nothing seems to go right, and then you feel as if, whatever you do, somehow, everything will go wrong and….well….everything goes wrong…” (Oh! Do you think that may have something to do with nothing going right?)
Fresher woman on IIML campus asking a senior guy for certain directions:
She: Can you tell me where the confectionary shop is?
Guy: Huh? Confectionary shop?
She: Yeah. I need to buy a lock!
Like, what was she thinking? Perhaps she felt that if she lost her key, at least she could eat a nice, “sweet” little lock, instead of having to break an ugly metal one…..
Another fresher woman to senior guy whom she knew in college:
“Hi! I’ve been looking for you for the past week! I mean not really looking for you, but you know, since I reached here day before, I was trying to find you. Not exactly searching for you, but I was in a way looking for you.”
If you think you’re floored, imagine that poor chap’s expression!!! He was sitting in the middle of a group of his friends and looked as if he just couldn’t wait for the Earth to split and consume him……
Or how about this one, from a girl headed to the hallowed portals of IIMA:
“I never thought I could make it to IIMA. I was totally confident that I would crack CAT and the interview and GD and all, but I was sure I would never make it to IIMA. I was so surprised when I even got an interview call! And seriously, though I was so confident that I would crack CAT and all, I never thought I would get calls and all….”
No, I shall not divulge names here……and no, I do not have a clue what this woman was trying to convey….somehow though, I get the feeling she may not have known what the word “cracking” means when used in this context……*sigh*
Anyway, as promised, here’s the “driver” joke…..
Now, one fine day, Batman decided to pick up Superman and head out for a nice, long drive in the country……on the way though, the stupid Batmobile broke down and being miles away from home and Alfred, there was just nothing that could be done about it…..because both these chappies had been too busy fighting crime to ever learn about repairing cars and mundane things like that…..
Well, along came this couple, a really intelligent man and a really intelligent woman….and they offered these two a lift. Having no real option, the offer was accepted at once and the happy foursome headed on into the open country roads.
A mile down the road, the car had an accident and three of the passengers died……guess who the only survivor was!
Yep, as you may have guessed, this is a feminist joke thus far…..it was the intelligent woman as the rest are fictitious characters….
Women stop reading here!!!!!
Now guys, between ourselves, we all know that we needed to give them some false solace and that’s the only reason why we told them that one….we all know the real truth!!!! And Hell, let’s face it! It had to be the stupid woman that was driving…..that’s the only way they could have had an accident on an open country road!!!!!
Women: If you’re reading this, you’ve just proved the point. You don’t LISTEN!!!!!
In Mars We Trust - IV
This post has been inspired and prompted by a statement that a friend of mine made that he could write a thesis on the lines that women use to get out of sticky situations.....
She: You see that chap there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)….errrr……ok…..ummm…..
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at the bar…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!
Now, considering that the “she” in question was my COUSIN, I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!
“See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – JB). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a chap, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.”
Now, this just about tore it, as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths.
Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed. I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.
1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!
3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!
4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…..it’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….
Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last….
Tears!!! Now, IBM talks of “on-demand business”. But trust me, nothing is as on-demand as tears for a woman. So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!!
Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship/friendship………or a sulking cousin…..
Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….provoing another thing….women don’t listen!!!Yeah, this is also reflected in that “driver” joke…..which I am sure you’ve all heard…..(drop a comment if you haven’t ;-) )
She: You see that chap there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)….errrr……ok…..ummm…..
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at the bar…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!
Now, considering that the “she” in question was my COUSIN, I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!
“See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – JB). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a chap, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.”
Now, this just about tore it, as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths.
Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed. I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.
1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!
3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!
4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…..it’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….
Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last….
Tears!!! Now, IBM talks of “on-demand business”. But trust me, nothing is as on-demand as tears for a woman. So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!!
Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship/friendship………or a sulking cousin…..
Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….provoing another thing….women don’t listen!!!Yeah, this is also reflected in that “driver” joke…..which I am sure you’ve all heard…..(drop a comment if you haven’t ;-) )
In Mars We Trust - III
I had not really thought I would make a third and even when I originally planned it, the third was not meant to be like this....but there has been this concatenation of circumstances which I really had no control on......I really think this is unmissable.....it's a real-life incident and is just hilarious.....and no, I have not made this up, or exaggerated or anything....
First, I'll post below this a message that a fresher who has just made it to IIMA posted on their Discussion Board.....below that is the reply that a second year student sent to that mail. Go through at leisure....the question posed by this mail really has convinced me that there's no accounting for people and the depths that their IQs slip to.....
The mail:
i need a cell cuz i want to stay in touch with my guy. also i may not be in my room/ be able to come to my room to make/take calls at all times, but i can always carry my cell with me anywhere!!
ofcourse i will get std activated... but messagin u can do only thru a cell...
i get teh point abt matchin networks to reduce cost... n here is my dilemma
my guy has an airtel connection
my dad has a reliance phone
my brother has idea
and our home phone is a tata indicom.
now what???
i need to have teh most cost effective way out...
which wd be covenient fr my parents, bro and guy too!!
help!!!
aditi
------------------------------------------------------------------
The reply:
This is a very good query. I also faced a lot of problems when I came to IIMA because I wanted to stay in touch with my guy, bhains and bakri (If I had an elephant, it would have been a simple matter of making a trunk call). Considering the reverence that Indian culture accords to the bovine and the divine, staying in touch with cattle is a very important issue.
One needs to only read the Hindi stories of Munshi Premchand, such as Heera Moti and Godaan to realize the deep bonds that people in the cowbelt have for their livestock. Of course, calling Munshi Premchand a Hindi writer is slightly misleading because his writings have a proliferation of Urdu words, reflecting the degree of intermixing between Urdu and Hindi in pre-independence Uttar Pradesh. The alphabet taught in schools during those days began with
Aliph, which interestingly is a derivative of the Greek alpha, which had first made its presence felt in India during the times of Alexander and Selecus Nicator. And perhaps it is divine happenstance that Alexander the Great had to retreat from the Ganges, thereby
completing the UP connection. However the Greek influence in India did not die out with him, his generals (if you are still reading this then I can only wonder how exciting your work is) established mini kingdoms from whatever they could salvage of his victories and particularly interesting is the case of the kingdom of Bactria (in present day Afghanistan), a Greek island in a South Asian sea. The great king Menander of Bactria is the same Milinda, the celebrated king who had a dialogue with the Buddhist sage Nagasena on the semantics of being.
But let me not digress from the core issue, which is your connectivity query. Well as you know, India has undergone a telecom revolution in the past 10 years or so. It all began with the breaking down of the monoploy of the Department of Telecommunications (DoT) and the
establishment of quasi-autonomous bodies like the MTNL and the VSNL. For the purpose of cellular communications, India is divided into a number of contiguous circles, which roughly correspond to the boundaries of the states (which is very convenient considering that the states of India were reorganized on a linguistic basis in the 1950s, thus going to show how farsighted our planners and statesmen were at the time). Initially, for reasons of viable competition, each circle could have 2 private operators and one network from either MTNL or BSNL. At the moment, I think 3 private operators are allowed and plans are to allow a further private player in a circle.
So what you need to do is, locate a map of India, find the telecom cirlces and identify the players operating there. Formulate a matrix to display this information and then apply the concepts of cost minimization (modified simplex method) to identify the optimal network combination for your needs.
Hope that helps..
First, I'll post below this a message that a fresher who has just made it to IIMA posted on their Discussion Board.....below that is the reply that a second year student sent to that mail. Go through at leisure....the question posed by this mail really has convinced me that there's no accounting for people and the depths that their IQs slip to.....
The mail:
i need a cell cuz i want to stay in touch with my guy. also i may not be in my room/ be able to come to my room to make/take calls at all times, but i can always carry my cell with me anywhere!!
ofcourse i will get std activated... but messagin u can do only thru a cell...
i get teh point abt matchin networks to reduce cost... n here is my dilemma
my guy has an airtel connection
my dad has a reliance phone
my brother has idea
and our home phone is a tata indicom.
now what???
i need to have teh most cost effective way out...
which wd be covenient fr my parents, bro and guy too!!
help!!!
aditi
------------------------------------------------------------------
The reply:
This is a very good query. I also faced a lot of problems when I came to IIMA because I wanted to stay in touch with my guy, bhains and bakri (If I had an elephant, it would have been a simple matter of making a trunk call). Considering the reverence that Indian culture accords to the bovine and the divine, staying in touch with cattle is a very important issue.
One needs to only read the Hindi stories of Munshi Premchand, such as Heera Moti and Godaan to realize the deep bonds that people in the cowbelt have for their livestock. Of course, calling Munshi Premchand a Hindi writer is slightly misleading because his writings have a proliferation of Urdu words, reflecting the degree of intermixing between Urdu and Hindi in pre-independence Uttar Pradesh. The alphabet taught in schools during those days began with
Aliph, which interestingly is a derivative of the Greek alpha, which had first made its presence felt in India during the times of Alexander and Selecus Nicator. And perhaps it is divine happenstance that Alexander the Great had to retreat from the Ganges, thereby
completing the UP connection. However the Greek influence in India did not die out with him, his generals (if you are still reading this then I can only wonder how exciting your work is) established mini kingdoms from whatever they could salvage of his victories and particularly interesting is the case of the kingdom of Bactria (in present day Afghanistan), a Greek island in a South Asian sea. The great king Menander of Bactria is the same Milinda, the celebrated king who had a dialogue with the Buddhist sage Nagasena on the semantics of being.
But let me not digress from the core issue, which is your connectivity query. Well as you know, India has undergone a telecom revolution in the past 10 years or so. It all began with the breaking down of the monoploy of the Department of Telecommunications (DoT) and the
establishment of quasi-autonomous bodies like the MTNL and the VSNL. For the purpose of cellular communications, India is divided into a number of contiguous circles, which roughly correspond to the boundaries of the states (which is very convenient considering that the states of India were reorganized on a linguistic basis in the 1950s, thus going to show how farsighted our planners and statesmen were at the time). Initially, for reasons of viable competition, each circle could have 2 private operators and one network from either MTNL or BSNL. At the moment, I think 3 private operators are allowed and plans are to allow a further private player in a circle.
So what you need to do is, locate a map of India, find the telecom cirlces and identify the players operating there. Formulate a matrix to display this information and then apply the concepts of cost minimization (modified simplex method) to identify the optimal network combination for your needs.
Hope that helps..
In Mars We Trust - II
"Hang on a minute will you....just callnig N". I'd just entered his room, so I made myself comfortable while this visibly content and much-in-love friend of mine made his call....
"Hi"....squawk squawk squawk....."yeah but,"....squawk squawk squawk....."yes, you"....squawk squawk squawk....."I was"....squawk squawk squawk....."and then"....squawk squawk squawk....."but you"....squawk squawk squawk....."I only"....squawk squawk squawk....."but list" (click) "en"!!!! "She cut me off! :-("
Hmm....this was the moment where I got to display my sagacity and new-found wisdom of course.."You know K, the problem with you is that you don't LISTEN to her!" "Yeah? But I was.." "There. See? You don't LISTEN!!! You're always trying to talk, to give explanations....you're always trying to SOLVE things! You need to listen to HER!!!" "Yeah! By Satan! You're right! That's what she was just telling me! That I don't listen to her....you know what? I'm going to meet her.....and this time, I'm just going to do what you said. I'll listen!!!"
In retrospect that conversation displayed more of her lung power than anything else, I guess, but at the moment, it had seemed like the right advice for me to give....how was I to know that she would later dump him for being too "unresponsive" and "too occupied otherwise" and "not giving her enough attention"....Jeez! Now, just what do these creatures want????
And then, in my darkest hour, I turned to my very own Diotima (Diotima, for the uninformed is the priestess that Socrates turns to in "Symposium"). "O Most exalted one. O fountain of knowledge, beauty and all other things that women do not exemplify (though you be one yourself), help me. Show me the light, so that I may rise above the mundane!"
Diotima: What do you want, you miserable scum? (No, she didn't use those words, but I don't want to use words that are inappropriate for juvenile audiences)
Me: I want to know three things:
1. What do women want?
2. Why don't we men know anything about what they want?
3. Why on Earth are women so incredibly senseless and gullible?
Diotima: Well, I shall answer your questions in reverse order
3. Women are so senseless and gullibe so that mankind continues to procreate
2. If you think about my answer to the previous question it may throw more light upon this answer, though of course, if you choose to let my words confound you any more, you will find that the innate simplicity of the answer will devour you in it's extremely complex meaning and the light that shines on the dark parts of that miniscule piece of lard that you call your brain will cease to illuminate even the parts that it earlier did...
1. Women do not know what they truly want, but in truth the fact is that they want nothing much more than what you really already know, except for the fact that you having confounded yourself with the previous answer find yourself unable to employ anything other than the model of projection of desire which is essentially flawed in this case because women do not JUST WANT SEX UNLIKE YOU MISERABLE MANIACS!!!!!!
Now that was a particularly and singularly enlightening conversation. Although I must admit that she confounded me more than anything else, I realise that the only reason I am confounded was the profound truth of all that she had said....don't ask me to explain any of what she said (she's a woman after all, and therefore completely incomprehensible for me) but I have always believed that if anything completely confounds you, it is apt to be because it is correct!! After all, how many of us understand a word of Electromagnetics......or even Community Living for that matter????
Well, that put an end to one part of my quest, but up had cropped another question....that of the "projection of desire" thingy that she had spoken of....the problems that my subsequent quest led me to, shall be documented in a later post....
Oh and by the way, for all those of you still not convinced about the depth and truth of the words spoken by women, here's something said to me by a friend yesterday.....24 hours, and I am still no closer to figuring out the meaning, so all you women out there, please do lend me a helping hand....
Me: I'll give you a call then, when I leave and will tell you where to meet...
She: Noooo....I don't feel like going home before coming out....
Me: OK....so you want to go just now?
She: Noooo....don't want to go right now either.....
Me: Err....so then what do you want to do???
She: I don't know...I want to go, but I don't want to go to my place.....but I don't want to go right now either....you tell me what to do....
*Sigh* That's exactly where I gave up.....
"Hi"....squawk squawk squawk....."yeah but,"....squawk squawk squawk....."yes, you"....squawk squawk squawk....."I was"....squawk squawk squawk....."and then"....squawk squawk squawk....."but you"....squawk squawk squawk....."I only"....squawk squawk squawk....."but list" (click) "en"!!!! "She cut me off! :-("
Hmm....this was the moment where I got to display my sagacity and new-found wisdom of course.."You know K, the problem with you is that you don't LISTEN to her!" "Yeah? But I was.." "There. See? You don't LISTEN!!! You're always trying to talk, to give explanations....you're always trying to SOLVE things! You need to listen to HER!!!" "Yeah! By Satan! You're right! That's what she was just telling me! That I don't listen to her....you know what? I'm going to meet her.....and this time, I'm just going to do what you said. I'll listen!!!"
In retrospect that conversation displayed more of her lung power than anything else, I guess, but at the moment, it had seemed like the right advice for me to give....how was I to know that she would later dump him for being too "unresponsive" and "too occupied otherwise" and "not giving her enough attention"....Jeez! Now, just what do these creatures want????
And then, in my darkest hour, I turned to my very own Diotima (Diotima, for the uninformed is the priestess that Socrates turns to in "Symposium"). "O Most exalted one. O fountain of knowledge, beauty and all other things that women do not exemplify (though you be one yourself), help me. Show me the light, so that I may rise above the mundane!"
Diotima: What do you want, you miserable scum? (No, she didn't use those words, but I don't want to use words that are inappropriate for juvenile audiences)
Me: I want to know three things:
1. What do women want?
2. Why don't we men know anything about what they want?
3. Why on Earth are women so incredibly senseless and gullible?
Diotima: Well, I shall answer your questions in reverse order
3. Women are so senseless and gullibe so that mankind continues to procreate
2. If you think about my answer to the previous question it may throw more light upon this answer, though of course, if you choose to let my words confound you any more, you will find that the innate simplicity of the answer will devour you in it's extremely complex meaning and the light that shines on the dark parts of that miniscule piece of lard that you call your brain will cease to illuminate even the parts that it earlier did...
1. Women do not know what they truly want, but in truth the fact is that they want nothing much more than what you really already know, except for the fact that you having confounded yourself with the previous answer find yourself unable to employ anything other than the model of projection of desire which is essentially flawed in this case because women do not JUST WANT SEX UNLIKE YOU MISERABLE MANIACS!!!!!!
Now that was a particularly and singularly enlightening conversation. Although I must admit that she confounded me more than anything else, I realise that the only reason I am confounded was the profound truth of all that she had said....don't ask me to explain any of what she said (she's a woman after all, and therefore completely incomprehensible for me) but I have always believed that if anything completely confounds you, it is apt to be because it is correct!! After all, how many of us understand a word of Electromagnetics......or even Community Living for that matter????
Well, that put an end to one part of my quest, but up had cropped another question....that of the "projection of desire" thingy that she had spoken of....the problems that my subsequent quest led me to, shall be documented in a later post....
Oh and by the way, for all those of you still not convinced about the depth and truth of the words spoken by women, here's something said to me by a friend yesterday.....24 hours, and I am still no closer to figuring out the meaning, so all you women out there, please do lend me a helping hand....
Me: I'll give you a call then, when I leave and will tell you where to meet...
She: Noooo....I don't feel like going home before coming out....
Me: OK....so you want to go just now?
She: Noooo....don't want to go right now either.....
Me: Err....so then what do you want to do???
She: I don't know...I want to go, but I don't want to go to my place.....but I don't want to go right now either....you tell me what to do....
*Sigh* That's exactly where I gave up.....
Appendix for In Mars We Trust - I
Don’t know if you ever studied it, but when I was a kid in school we had a subject called “Community Living”. Now that I look back on it I realize what utter crap we were taught in that subject. Take a small example. “When crossing a road, first look to your right, then to your left and then to your right again. If there are no vehicles approaching, it’s then safe to cross”, it said. Now, if you live in Bombay like I do, or in any other civilized city (which therefore means you live outside India) you will know what utter crap this is….
Follow this teaching and of course, you’re going to be consigned to a life on the pavement, filled with all the joys of being one of those “waiting-to-cross-the-road” In-duh-viduals. And that would be the way you’d then be destined to live until a stray meteor fell on your head putting an end to your incident-packed and pollution-filled existence. The sensible way to cross the road of course, is to run onto the road with wide eyes and arms waving wildly in the air, screaming that there is a tsunami headed in this direction. Upon hearing this all the motorists immediately freeze or turn their vehicles around thereby allowing you to cross the road like Moses crossing the Red Sea (the water connect leads me to believe that Moses used a similar method).
Ah well, that’s just one of the senseless things we were taught….there were tons of others, like offering a seat to a lady….the last time I tried that, all I got was a look that indicated that the lady thought I was trying to rape her or something……which was highly unlikely considering that she was only around a hundred years older than me….*sigh*……it’s a tough life…..
Anyway, some people asked me to post the joke about the genie and the highway, so here goes (I’m surprised you haven’t heard this really…though I am sure you know the meaning anyway)…..
There’s this guy that, as happens in all jokes of this kind, gets stranded on a deserted island (will someone tell me where all these deserted islands spring up from and how it happens that no jokes find people from other jokes meeting up on their deserted islands????). Well, anyway, this guy is on this island somewhere around 10,000 miles away from home…….and once again, very predictably, he finds a magic lamp. Wonder of wonders, he realizes it’s a magic lamp, and having heard of Alladin and all those of that ilk, decides very sensibly, to rub it…..
There appears this mandatory genie of course, who tells this chap to ask for a wish. The conversation between the genie and the chap thereafter went like this:
Chap: Uh, I’d like this 8-lane super-expressway right upto my doorstep in California, so that I can drive home and can drop back here anytime I want to, coz this place is really beautiful.
Genie: Are you freaking insane???? Do you realize the logistical problems with that sort of project??? The concrete, cement and steel required to build supports right from the floor of the ocean…that too for 10,00 miles??????? Ask for something else dude….
Chap: *Sigh* Well, ok….you know what? I’d like to understand women…as in really know what they’re thinking…so that I know what I can do to make them happy….
Genie: *Sigh* How many lanes did you say you wanted on that highway????
Follow this teaching and of course, you’re going to be consigned to a life on the pavement, filled with all the joys of being one of those “waiting-to-cross-the-road” In-duh-viduals. And that would be the way you’d then be destined to live until a stray meteor fell on your head putting an end to your incident-packed and pollution-filled existence. The sensible way to cross the road of course, is to run onto the road with wide eyes and arms waving wildly in the air, screaming that there is a tsunami headed in this direction. Upon hearing this all the motorists immediately freeze or turn their vehicles around thereby allowing you to cross the road like Moses crossing the Red Sea (the water connect leads me to believe that Moses used a similar method).
Ah well, that’s just one of the senseless things we were taught….there were tons of others, like offering a seat to a lady….the last time I tried that, all I got was a look that indicated that the lady thought I was trying to rape her or something……which was highly unlikely considering that she was only around a hundred years older than me….*sigh*……it’s a tough life…..
Anyway, some people asked me to post the joke about the genie and the highway, so here goes (I’m surprised you haven’t heard this really…though I am sure you know the meaning anyway)…..
There’s this guy that, as happens in all jokes of this kind, gets stranded on a deserted island (will someone tell me where all these deserted islands spring up from and how it happens that no jokes find people from other jokes meeting up on their deserted islands????). Well, anyway, this guy is on this island somewhere around 10,000 miles away from home…….and once again, very predictably, he finds a magic lamp. Wonder of wonders, he realizes it’s a magic lamp, and having heard of Alladin and all those of that ilk, decides very sensibly, to rub it…..
There appears this mandatory genie of course, who tells this chap to ask for a wish. The conversation between the genie and the chap thereafter went like this:
Chap: Uh, I’d like this 8-lane super-expressway right upto my doorstep in California, so that I can drive home and can drop back here anytime I want to, coz this place is really beautiful.
Genie: Are you freaking insane???? Do you realize the logistical problems with that sort of project??? The concrete, cement and steel required to build supports right from the floor of the ocean…that too for 10,00 miles??????? Ask for something else dude….
Chap: *Sigh* Well, ok….you know what? I’d like to understand women…as in really know what they’re thinking…so that I know what I can do to make them happy….
Genie: *Sigh* How many lanes did you say you wanted on that highway????
In Mars We Trust - I
Statutory Disclaimer: The incidents described in the following post have all occured in reality. All opinions expressed belong to the people expressing them, and not the author, except of course, the opinions expressed by the author himself......and if you disagree, go sue the aliens that possessed the mind of the author and prompted him to go ahead and write this against all the sensible thoughts that endeavoured to prevent him from this disaster-inviting post......
It all started with the thought that the sole reason women were created by those that created them, was to torment men and make them look forward to Hell as a pleasant vacation. All this, however was to be accomplished in a sly manner wherein men needed to be convinced that women were actually exalted beings that needed to be cherished and kept happy and praised and lavished gifts on if life was to be considered a success. All part of a vicious scheme it seemed to me at that time.....
But then, there was this contradicting thought that it couldn't be, really.....surely there was more to women than that....but then, why were women so damn impossible to understand? We all know the joke about the genie and the six-lane highway....in case you don't, drop a comment and I'll post it in my next post ;-). Anyway, I decided then to investigate this phenomenon in an endeavour to reach the truth (Shows you just how "vella" - jobless - I am right now)
So I called up an old friend of mine, a woman whom I rated to be more sensible than the average woman (though I know that's not saying much). Before I could start on my deeply researched and well thought-out questionnaire though, she started on a torrent of her domestic problems....if any of you has ever tried stopping a woman in such a mood, I am sure you'll agree that stopping a speeding locomotive is a highly preferable and much easier option. Still, nice chap that I am (since no1 else will say that, I must take the initiative of complimenting myself here ;-) ), I tried suggesting a solution.......big mistake!!!!!
Her: What do I do...I mean, you tell me, what do I DO???
Me: See, you could...
Her: SHUT UP!!!!
Me: Errr....but you just asked...
She: Just LISTEN, will you...just L-I-S-T-E-N!!!!!
Me: OK.....
She: So, anyway, and then he said....and WHAT am I supposed to do????
Me: Well, errr....you cou..
She: What's the PROBLEM with you guys?? Can’t you just listen?????
Me: Uh-yeah, ok, sure, definitely, go on….
Well, this actually put me one step behind in my search for the answer I sought. After all, if the woman I rated as being less incomprehensible than most gave me such a problem, what would the rest be like?? Just then, I had a brainwave. I remembered this other woman I knew whom I thought was pretty bright. I hadn’t ever spoken to her actually, but she hadn’t yet said anything that I didn’t understand. Sad to say, it did not strike me at that moment that the only reason I had never failed to understand her was that she had never said anything to me!!!!!
Anyway, I approached her and what ensued was:
She: Hey!!! Where’s your girlfriend?
Me: Girlfriend? I don’t have one…anyway, I wanted to ask you some…
She: Don’t lie. Come on now. Be a good boy!
Me: Listen, I told you, I’m single….now, if you’ll listen, I want to…
She (with stupid girlish know-it-all expression and voice): Come on now, don’t tell me YOU are single…
Me: Damn it! Why don’t you listen??? YES! I am. Now, see, what happ….
She: Don’t tell me…I refuse to believe you..
Me (exasperated): Why? Do YOU think I am THAT hot??
She: Err….no….but….
Ah! Had her silent for a minute….so I told her about my conversation with the earlier mentioned woman and asked her for her interpretation…..
She: You see, when we women tell you about a problem, we don’t want a solution.
Me: But then why talk about the problem? I thought the question, “What do I do?” was one that begged an answer!!!
She: NO! You’re supposed to LISTEN!
Me: I did listen! That’s why I suggested…
She: Shut UP! Don’t you understand???? We don’t WANT a solution!!!
Me: That’s silly! Because then what’s the problem? And why crib about something you don’t want to solve?
She: We DO want to solve it! But we
Me (totally frazzled with the last statement): * Sigh* OK. Thanks a lot…that was really enlightening….
The next part of this doomed-from-the-outset quest for the solution to mankind’s biggest mystery shall come after a while…as you can imagine, these exertions have taken a severe toll and recuperation is a necessity….
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