In Mars We Trust - IV

This post has been inspired and prompted by a statement that a friend of mine made that he could write a thesis on the lines that women use to get out of sticky situations.....

She: You see that chap there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)….errrr……ok…..ummm…..
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at the bar…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!

Now, considering that the “she” in question was my COUSIN, I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!

“See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – JB). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a chap, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.”

Now, this just about tore it, as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths.

Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed. I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.

1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!

3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!

4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…..it’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….

Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last….

Tears!!! Now, IBM talks of “on-demand business”. But trust me, nothing is as on-demand as tears for a woman. So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!!

Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship/friendship………or a sulking cousin…..

Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….provoing another thing….women don’t listen!!!Yeah, this is also reflected in that “driver” joke…..which I am sure you’ve all heard…..(drop a comment if you haven’t ;-) )